Breaking the Cycle: How Child Abuse Contributes to Ongoing Domestic Violence in the Netherlands

Andrea and her two children

Despite significant investments and initiatives by the Dutch government to tackle domestic violence, the issue remains pervasive as social scientists in the field point to the “intergenerational transmission of violence” as the key factor in its persistence.

The Ministry of Public Health, Welfare and Sport estimates that nearly 119,000 children suffer from abuse each year. Coming to terms with an experience of abuse is difficult, and some of these children find themselves resorting to violence once they become adults.

Andrea, 51, a survivor of domestic violence, whose identity will be withheld to protect her children, has encountered some symptoms related to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in her children after she fled her abusive relationship. Both her son and daughter, now respectively 21 and 18, endured many years of trouble sleeping, stress and hypervigilance, always “scanning the room” due to the 5-year period of being stalked by their father after the separation.

“She could not do anything with her anger but hurt herself”

Dealing with one's feelings is a hard task for people with a history of abuse and the process of coping differs from person to person. For Andrea’s children, the reactions are almost the exact opposite.

“He is not really connected to his feelings,” says Andrea, talking about her son. “He doesn't feel consciously. He doesn't want to and he doesn't see it as a problem.” Although he was always used to “fleeing in his own thoughts,” Andrea worries that her son’s lack of consciousness could result in experiencing other situations of abuse in the future. 

On the contrary, her daughter’s inability to express feelings of stress and anger led to self-harm because “she could not cry nor express her feelings in any other way.” Andrea says that “she could not do anything with her anger but hurt herself.” 

Later, after starting therapy again, Andrea’s daughter became truly self-aware. “Now she knows what she needs and she is able to express it as an adult,” Andrea tells The Glass Room.

Receiving help

For some, however, being abused in childhood can result in seeking or repeating similar behaviors in adult life. The cyclic nature is what makes domestic violence a persistent problem, according to a 2017 study by Majone Steketee, Sietske Dijkstra & Katinka Lünnemann. 

Even though their study does not provide exact data on how many abused children become perpetrators or repeat victims, it is assumed that one-third ends up using violence against own children later in life. And although about one-third of those who witness domestic violence in childhood show trauma symptoms, only 40% receive help. 

Two women who received help after experiencing abuse are Ursula’s daughters, now aged 23 and 21. Ursula, 48, a survivor of domestic violence who will also remain anonymous, says that the physical and emotional abuse suffered by her two eldest daughters caused them “an inability to love and receive love authentically,” as they still tend to be uncomfortable with gestures of physical affection and to question the genuineness of people's intentions toward them.

Adapting to a new normality

The reality in which children grow up represents their whole world and not everyone wants or is able to leave that normality. Ursula saw it with her own eyes when her eldest daughter decided to move back in with her father. “I wanted to have a home without violence, but it was not what she grew up with,” says Ursula. “She grew up in a violent place and she trusted her usual coping mode. It was really scary for her because I asked her to change with me but she did not know how.”

This normality does not only refer to a place, but also to all the dynamics within it. Hélène van Kampen, 63, spokeswoman for AROSA, recalls a disturbing incident she witnessed a few years ago in a shelter, when a boy unconsciously attempted physical abuse of a young girl. “He would not understand what he was doing wrong,” Hélène says. “His father used to sexually abuse him, so that was the way for him to show affection or comfort someone he cared about.”

Interview with Hélène van Kampen © Sophia von Seebach

Looking at the bigger picture, it is normal to ask, are there any solutions? “Every case is so different that it is almost impossible to generalize,” Hélène tells The Glass Room. Nevertheless, some key elements are essential for breaking the cycle of violence: empowerment, network, safety and, above all, love. “You have to love yourself, either if you are a victim or a perpetrator,” says Ursula. “If you are a victim it’s difficult to love yourself again. The violence told you not to do it, because it’s dangerous. Learning self-love takes great effort, a lot of love from others and safety. You have to feel safe to love, and that is quite difficult.”

The full identities of the sources of these stories are well known to the editors of The Glass Room.