Walking on Tiptoes in Your Own Home: The Emotional Side of Domestic Violence

Miranda at the time of the relationship

Miranda is cooking dinner, as she always does. She takes the salt and sprinkles it on the dish. This is when her partner begins to verbally assault her. In his opinion, she is ruining his food. Miranda can feel his body next to hers, overpowering her, and she realizes she is trembling. 

First, she experiences confusion, then fear. She is shocked, and cannot understand why he is showing so much aggression. All this anger, just for an extra pinch of salt. 

Unfortunately, Miranda’s experience is not unique in the Netherlands. Blijf Groep, an organization that provides help to victims of domestic violence, reports about 200,000 serious cases annually, making it the most prevalent form of violence in the country.

Miranda Siebel, 51, a domestic violence survivor, had just moved into her new house with her partner, when she experienced emotional aggression in the relationship for the first time. At that time, they had been in the relationship for two years. She definitely left their relationship 14 years after this first incident, as her husband's emotional abuse of her and of their two children also escalated into the physical abuse of their eldest son. Today, Miranda provides counseling to other victims of domestic violence at her center Interium, in Bergen op Zoom. 

Miranda’s center Interium 

“I wasn’t very conscious of the situation,” Miranda tells The Glass Room. “He was angry at me, and I didn't want that, so I had to work on our relationship to make him love me, to prevent it from happening again. I wanted to look worthy in his eyes.” Miranda became more alert and cautious about her actions when together with her partner. “Walking on my tiptoes in my own house in order not to irritate him.”

Despite the prevalence of domestic violence in the Netherlands, there is still a misperception of this issue in society. 

“Most people think domestic violence is about hitting, but it’s not just about that,” says Hélène van Kampen, 63, spokeswoman for AROSA, an expertise center for victims of domestic violence and child abuse. Domestic violence is about mental abuse, isolation, shame and self-blame. 

“This form of violence is invisible. You feel stupid and ashamed, because other people think you have a happy life,” Hélène says. “Unless they see a black eye, they think everything is okay. And this makes it even more difficult to say: help.”

Likewise, Miranda agrees that most people are unaware of the impact of emotional violence. “People don’t recognize what role humiliation and manipulation play in one’s self-esteem and mental health.” 

Miranda experienced it herself, as she became so insecure that she would not go out anymore. She says her husband told her lies about her family and friends. “That led me to stop seeing them. I was alone, and I think that’s part of the problem. You stay, because you have nobody else.”

Miranda now

Now, Miranda is in a new, happy relationship, and she is dedicating herself to helping other victims of domestic violence. However, healing has been a long journey.

“I couldn’t feel anymore. It was all thinking, thinking, thinking. I didn’t feel my body. I had to be strong, but I felt really small,” Miranda says. 

“I went from recovering to growing,” she continues. “And when it becomes growth, it’s no longer a burden. If you can embrace who you are, and achieve self-love, you are in a good place in your life.”